Teen Anxiety: How to Support Your Teen in a Changing World
By Aviva Boxer, Registered Psychotherapist
I have been thinking about teen anxiety a lot lately and comparing what things were like when I was a teenager with what they are like for my own teens today.
So I asked my son what the big sources of anxiety are for kids his age. When we compared them, I was struck by how similar they actually are.
School.
Friends.
Romantic relationships.
Post-secondary education and future plans.
The big things that worried teenagers in the 1980s are, in many ways, the same things that worry teenagers today.
But the world surrounding those worries has changed dramatically.
Teen anxiety hasn’t changed as much as the world around it
When I was a teenager, there were no smartphones, no social media and no internet. We didn’t even have email.
If something embarrassing happened at school, you could go home and, for the most part, leave it there. If you had an argument with a friend, you didn’t have to worry about seeing it replayed on Snapchat or wondering whether everyone else had seen the conversation.
We got our information from magazines like Seventeen and Teen Vogue, from our friends and, if we were lucky, from parents who were paying attention.
Parenting was different, too. Many of us had more independence than teenagers have today. We walked or biked to our friends’ houses, spent hours outside and made our own plans. Our parents were not receiving a constant stream of notifications about where we were, who we were with or what was happening in our social lives.
Today’s teenagers are growing up in a world where there is very little opportunity to truly disconnect.
Their social lives can continue long after the school day ends. Their friendships can play out publicly and digitally. They are exposed to news and world events almost constantly. And, at the same time, they are expected to make increasingly important decisions about school, careers and their futures.
It is a lot.
And while parents today may be more involved in their teenagers’ lives in many ways, that doesn’t necessarily make parenting through adolescence easier.
Teenagers don’t always tell us what is going on
Teenagers often come home from school or from seeing friends and say very little about how they are actually feeling.
They may answer “fine” when we ask how their day was.
They may close their bedroom door.
They may seem irritable, withdrawn or completely uninterested in talking to us.
And sometimes, underneath all of that, there is anxiety.
One of the most important things we can do as parents is create an environment where our teenagers know that they can bring us the good, the bad and the ugly.
They need to know that they can be themselves with us – even when they are moody, frustrated, overwhelmed or struggling to put their feelings into words.
This doesn’t mean we have to fix every problem for them.
In fact, sometimes our instinct to fix can get in the way of what our teenager actually needs.
They may need us to listen before they need us to offer advice.
They may need us to say, “That sounds really hard,” before we say, “Here’s what you should do.”
And sometimes they may not want to talk at all.
Being available matters, even when the conversation doesn’t happen.
Anxiety can be difficult for parents, too
Supporting an anxious teenager can bring up a lot of feelings in us as parents.
We may become anxious when we see our child struggling. We may worry about whether they will be okay. We may want to step in and make the uncomfortable situation disappear.
But our own anxiety can sometimes make it harder for our teenagers to learn that they are capable of handling difficult feelings and situations.
The Canadian Paediatric Society recommends helping children and adolescents recognize and name their feelings, validating their anxiety without reinforcing it, and gently encouraging them to face things that feel difficult rather than automatically avoiding them.
That can be easier said than done.
It requires us to notice what is happening inside us, too.
If our teenager is anxious about an upcoming presentation, for example, we may want to reassure them repeatedly that everything will be fine. But we can also help them identify what they are worried about and think through one small step they can take to prepare.
The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety.
It is to help them discover that they can move through it.
Six ways to support your anxious teen
- Help them name what they are feeling
Sometimes teenagers know they feel awful but don’t know exactly what they are feeling.
Is it anxiety? Embarrassment? Disappointment? Fear? Anger? Shame?
Helping them put words to their experience can make difficult emotions feel more manageable.
You might simply say, “It sounds like you’re really worried about tomorrow.”
- Gently encourage them to talk about their emotions
You don’t have to force a conversation.
Instead, look for low-pressure opportunities to connect – in the car, while walking the dog, making dinner or getting a coffee together.
Sometimes teenagers will talk when they aren’t being directly asked to sit down and talk.
- Validate their feelings without reinforcing the anxiety
Validation doesn’t mean telling your teenager that their fears are definitely going to come true.
It can sound like:
“I can understand why that feels scary.”
And then:
“I also believe you can handle it.”
The Canadian Paediatric Society recommends empathizing with anxiety while also encouraging young people to move toward, rather than continually avoid, the things they fear.
- Find low-key ways to stay connected
Connection doesn’t always have to involve a deep conversation.
Watch a show together. Go for a drive. Get ice cream. Sit beside them while they do homework.
Teenagers may not always want to talk about their feelings, but they still need to know that we are there.
- Help them break overwhelming things into smaller steps
An anxious brain can turn one problem into ten.
If your teenager is overwhelmed by an assignment, an upcoming exam or post-secondary applications, help them identify the next small, manageable step.
They don’t have to solve everything today.
They just need to know what comes next.
- Let them see you coping with stress
Our teenagers learn from what we do as much as from what we say.
When something stressful happens, let them see you pause, take a breath, talk through a problem, ask for help or remind yourself that you can handle a difficult situation.
We don’t have to model perfect calm.
We can model what it looks like to experience stress and take care of ourselves anyway.
We can’t remove anxiety from our teenagers’ lives
As parents, it is incredibly difficult to watch our children struggle.
We want to protect them from rejection, failure, heartbreak, uncertainty and all the other experiences that can make adolescence so challenging.
But anxiety is a normal part of being human. Our goal isn’t to create an anxiety-free life for our teenagers – something that isn’t possible.
Our job is to help them develop the skills, confidence and self-trust to navigate the anxiety that inevitably comes with life.
And sometimes, that begins with us doing our own work.
Because the more comfortable we become with our teenagers’ uncomfortable feelings, the more space we can create for them to experience those feelings without believing that something is terribly wrong.
And when anxiety begins to interfere with a teenager’s everyday life – including school, friendships, sleep or activities they usually enjoy – it may be time to seek additional support. The Canadian Paediatric Society notes that anxiety disorders are highly treatable and recommends psychotherapy as a first-line treatment.
If your teen is struggling with anxiety, therapy can give them a safe, supportive place to understand what they are experiencing and develop tools to manage it. It can also help parents learn how to support their teen without taking on the job of eliminating every difficult feeling.
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can give our teenagers isn’t a solution.
It’s the confidence that, whatever comes next, they don’t have to face it alone – and they are capable of getting through it.
If your teen is struggling with anxiety
You don’t have to figure out how to support your teenager on your own. Therapy can give your teen a safe and supportive space to understand their anxiety, develop healthy coping strategies and build confidence in their ability to manage difficult emotions. It can also give parents guidance and support as they navigate this challenging stage of parenting.
If anxiety is getting in the way of your teen’s everyday life, therapy can help. Reach out to us for a free consultation to learn more about how support can make a difference.
