Back-to-school anxiety: Helping children, teens and parents manage the transition
By Aviva Boxer, Registered Psychotherapist
We’re getting to that time in August when there is still some summer vacation left to enjoy, but it is easy to start thinking about the beginning of school. September is literally around the corner, and stores are already stocking fall merchandise, including Halloween and Thanksgiving-themed products.
Back to school can be an exciting time for children and parents, but it can also be filled with anxiety. And if your child is facing a milestone at school – starting school for the first time, moving into Grade 1, starting middle school or high school, or leaving home for university or college – anxiety may be very much part of the picture for both children and parents.
Children may feel nervous or fearful about starting something new. They may worry about making friends, finding their way around a new environment, navigating bigger classes or new teachers, or adjusting to increased expectations and homework. For older teens, there may be additional pressure, particularly if they are entering their final year of high school and beginning the post-secondary application process.
Some children may also experience separation anxiety, generalized anxiety or social anxiety. Separation anxiety is most common in younger children, particularly when they are starting school or moving from kindergarten into Grade 1, but it can occur throughout childhood and adolescence and even into early adulthood.
Separation anxiety can show up as a strong reluctance to be apart from a parent or caregiver, talking about worries about separation ahead of time, refusing to go to school or sleep alone, or having difficulty concentrating at school because of worries about being away from home.
How can you help your child with back-to-school anxiety?
Children need different kinds of support at different ages and stages, but some of the basic principles remain the same.
Start by acknowledging your child’s feelings. You might say something gentle like, “It sounds like you’re feeling worried about going back to school or being apart from me.”
It can be tempting to immediately reassure an anxious child by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine!” But sometimes children need their feelings acknowledged before they are ready to hear reassurance. Let them know that their anxiety makes sense while also helping them develop confidence that they can cope with the situation.
You might ask, “What are you most worried about?” or “Is there anything we can do together that would help you feel more prepared?”
Give anxiety somewhere to go
Encourage your child to talk about their worries rather than trying to talk them out of feeling anxious. You can also help them learn tools that may turn down the dial on anxiety, including mindfulness, deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation.
Try a simple breathing exercise together: breathe in slowly through your nose for four counts and then breathe out through your mouth for six. A slower, longer exhale can help signal safety to the nervous system and may help reduce feelings of anxiety.
You can also explore child-friendly mindfulness exercises, meditations, music and stories through apps such as Insight Timer.
Prepare without feeding the anxiety
Preparation can make a big difference, particularly when a child is entering a new environment.
Depending on your child’s age, this might mean visiting the school ahead of time, walking through their new route, finding their classroom, meeting their teacher, practicing their morning routine or talking through what the first day might look like.
For a child leaving home for the first time, preparation might include talking about how they will stay connected with family, practicing some everyday tasks independently and discussing what they can do when they are feeling lonely or overwhelmed.
The goal isn’t to make sure your child feels completely confident before the transition. Some anxiety is normal when we are doing something new. Instead, you are helping your child learn, “I can feel nervous and still do this.”
Return to routine gradually
After a summer of later bedtimes, relaxed mornings and fewer commitments, returning to a school routine can be a big adjustment.
Start gradually. Move bedtime and wake-up times closer to the school schedule, reintroduce regular mealtimes and begin bringing some structure back into the day.
A predictable routine can help children feel more prepared emotionally for the start of school and for being away from home – whether that means being away for a few hours, the school day or an entire semester.
What about parents?
Back-to-school anxiety is not reserved for children. Parents feel it too.
There is the return to routine, lunches, homework, after-school activities and all the start-up stresses of a new school year, including forms, schedules, new teachers and a child’s new class.
Parents may also feel anxious about their child’s experience. Will they make friends? Will they be happy? Will they struggle academically? Will they be able to handle the transition?
And when a child is leaving home for university or college, parents may experience an entirely different kind of anxiety. It can be difficult to hold both excitement for your child’s next chapter and sadness or worry about the changes it represents for your family.
Parents need support, too.
Acknowledge your own feelings of worry with your partner, a close friend or someone else you trust. Processing your feelings can help you show up for your child without unintentionally adding to their anxiety.
This doesn’t mean you need to hide your emotions from your child. In fact, showing children that adults can experience anxiety and learn how to manage it can be an important lesson. You might say, “I’m feeling a little nervous about the first day too. New things can make me nervous, but I know we can handle it.”
When your teen or young adult leaves home
For some families, back-to-school anxiety is not about a child getting on the school bus. It is about saying goodbye at a university residence, helping a young adult move into an apartment or watching your teenager drive away for the first time.
Leaving home is a major transition for young people. Even when they are excited about university or college, they may also feel anxious about being responsible for themselves, making friends, managing their workload, navigating a new city or simply being far away from the people and routines that have made them feel safe.
Parents can experience their own complicated mix of emotions. You may be proud and excited to see your child taking this next step while also feeling grief about the end of an era. You may worry about whether they will be happy, whether they will manage on their own or what will happen if they struggle.
There can also be an adjustment in the relationship itself. You may have spent years knowing where your child was, what they were doing and when they would be home. Suddenly, you may have much less information about their day-to-day life.
This can be difficult.
Try to resist the urge to manage your young adult’s anxiety from a distance. Instead, talk together before they leave about how you will stay connected and what kind of support they would find helpful. Some young people may want a regular Sunday phone call, while others may prefer occasional texts or video calls.
It can also help to talk openly about homesickness and the fact that difficult feelings do not necessarily mean something is wrong. Your young adult may have a wonderful first week and still feel lonely. They may be thrilled about their new independence and still miss home. They may struggle at first and eventually find their footing.
The same message applies to parents: you can miss your child and still trust them to grow.
For both parents and young adults, this transition is an opportunity to practice tolerating uncertainty rather than trying to eliminate it. You cannot guarantee that your child will never feel lonely, anxious or overwhelmed. What you can do is help them know that difficult feelings are manageable and that they have people they can turn to when they need support.
And sometimes, the parent needs that support too.
Watch for the anxiety-avoidance cycle
When we see our child struggling with anxiety, our instinct is often to make the anxiety go away. We may let them stay home, repeatedly reassure them, avoid situations that make them uncomfortable or step in to solve every problem for them.
These responses come from love and concern. But over time, avoiding things that make us anxious can actually make the anxiety stronger.
Instead, try to support your child in taking manageable steps toward the things they are worried about. You can acknowledge that something feels scary while also communicating your confidence in their ability to cope.
The message is not, “There is nothing to be afraid of.”
It is, “I know this feels scary, and I believe you can handle it.”
When should you seek help?
Some back-to-school anxiety is completely normal. Starting something new involves uncertainty, and even children who are generally confident may experience some nervousness as September approaches.
However, if anxiety becomes overwhelming or begins interfering with your child’s ability to attend school, sleep, make friends, participate in activities or function at home, it may be time to seek professional support.
Therapy can give children and teens a safe place to understand their anxiety, develop coping strategies and build confidence in their ability to manage difficult emotions. It can also provide parents with support and practical strategies for responding to anxiety at home.
Back-to-school doesn’t have to mean leaving anxiety behind. It can be an opportunity for children and parents to learn something more valuable: we can feel anxious about change and still move forward.
If your child or teen is struggling with anxiety as the new school year approaches, therapy can help. Reach out to us for support. A NuVista mental health professional can work with your family to understand what is contributing to the anxiety and develop strategies to help you and your child feel more confident, capable and supported.
We’re getting to that time in August where there is still some summer vacation left to enjoy but it is easy to start thinking about the start of school because September is literally around the corner and stores are starting to stock fall merchandise, including Halloween and Thanksgiving themed products.
Back to school can be an exciting time for kids and parents, but it is also fraught with anxiety. And if your child is going into a milestone moment at school such as starting school altogether, starting Grade 1, middle school, high school or going away from home to university or college for the first time, anxiety may be very much on the menu for both kids and parents.
Kids may be feeling nervous and even fearful about starting something new, worrying about making friends, finding their way around their new environment, a change in expectations such as more homework, bigger classes, new teachers or making the year count if they are in their last year of high school and starting the application process this fall.
Kids may be dealing with separation anxiety, generalized anxiety, or social anxiety. (reference: Psych Today). Separation anxiety mainly happens when kids are little and either starting school for the first time or moving up from kindergarten to Grade 1, but it can happen throughout childhood, adolescence and into early adulthood. It shows up as not wanting to be apart from their parent or caregiver, talking about their anxiety about being apart ahead of time, not wanting to go to school, sleep alone, and sometimes difficulty concentrating at school because of worries about separation (Re: Rady Children’s Health)
How to help
Kids need different supports at different ages but the main themes are the same: acknowledge the feelings your child is having with something gentle like: “It sounds like you are feeling worried about going back to school or being apart.” And encourage your child to talk about their feelings and share their worries with you. (Re: Rady Children’s Health). Help them to turn down the dial on their anxiety with tools such as mindfullness, deep breathing or muscle relaxation (Rady Children’s Health). Check out Insight Timer app for many free meditations , music and stories to help kids get relief from anxiety.
Try the deep breathing technique of breathing in through your nose for 4 counts and breath out through your mouth for 6 counts. The longer out breath helps your nervous system to feel safe and bring down the anxious feelings. (Psych Today).
Start to return to routine – this can help kids prepare emotionally for the start of school and for being away from home either for a few hours, the day or a semester, depending on their age and stage.
Parents
Back to school anxiety is not reserved for kids alone. Parents feel it too. There’s the return to routine, lunches, homework, after school activities, all the start-up stresses of a new year such as forms, getting to know new teachers and a child’s new class. Parents also may feel anxious for their child starting or returning to school, hoping they make friends or have their friends in their classes with them. Parents need support too. Acknowledge your feelings of worry to your partner or a close friend, so you can show up for your child having processed your own feelings and help them sort out their without adding to your child’s worries (Child Mind Institute).
